Phantom of the Opera Presents
by DJ Nox
Summary: Ever wonder what it would be like if the Phantom characters had to perform The Little Mermaid? No? Oh well. Here it is anyway. PG for some slash.


_Phantom of the Opera Presents…_

Cowritten by DJ Tifa and Broadwaystar77

Author's note: Well. I'm surprised how fast this fic wound up getting written. It all started with a conversation a friend and I had about a roleplay we were in…something about Erik and Raoul standing at the edges of the lake by Erik's house. I was bugging her to make Erik kiss Raoul, or I'd start making little frogs and turtles singing "Kiss the Girl" (…boy?) ala Little Mermaid. And it allll went from there. Enjoy reading it. It was fun to write.

We are brought to a nice, decently sized auditorium, curtains drawn on the stage. Sitting in the first few rows are none other than our dear beloved cast of Phantom of the Opera. Not too much is going on, as they're all rather scared of what might happen next. After all, one must always expect the unexpected. Especially when there's an author involved. Suddenly, a teenage girl bounces onto the stage, our authoress.

Dana: Why, hello there everyone!

Everyone: …..hi.

Dana: Aren't you all delighted to be here? ::grins::

Carlotta: May I ask, young lady, why we are HERE in the first place?! My rehearsals were interuptted for this!

Erik: ::half-muttering:: Nonstop rehearsals couldn't help your pitiful excuse for a voice…

Dana: Shush. Now, I've brought you all here because we are performing a very special thing today. Not an opera, not a musical, not even a play…but a movie.

Everyone: …what?

Dana: And not just any movie, but…The Little Mermaid!

Christine: *squeal* I LOVE THAT MOVIE!

Raoul: No…no…oh god no…I've had enough of Christine singing "Part of Your World" horribly offkey..

Dana: AHEM. Now, if you will turn your gaze to the cast list… ::motions to the side::

_Ariel – Erik_

_Prince Eric – Raoul_

_Ursula – Christine_

_Triton – Reyer_

_Sebastien – Firmin_

_Flounder – Andre_

_Scuttle - Buquet_

_Flotsam – Carlotta_

_Jetsam – Piangi_

_Rest of characters – Whoever the hell is left._

Erik: ::staring wide eyed, jaw dropped:: ….WHAT?!

Raoul: Yay. I'm a prince. How fitting.

Christine: URSULA?! Not faaaaaiiiiir…

Erik: NOT FAIR?! NOT FAIR?!?! I GOT CAST AS A WOMAN!

Dana: Deal with it.

Meg: ::raises an eyebrow:: Wait a second…if Erik is Ariel…and Raoul is the Prince…

Erik: …AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! NOT THE FOP! I AM NOT KISSING THE FOP!

Raoul: FOR THE LAST TIME I'M NOT A FOP!

Dana: SETTLE DOWN, DAMNIT!

*Everyone silences*

Dana: Now. Into your costumes, everyone. …Full costumes. Yes, Erik, that means you're wearing the seashell bra.

Erik: …oh, how I wish I had my lasso right now…

~*~*~*~

(Sailors are running amuck the ship with mock Punjab Lassos attempting to catch fish and pitifully failing. Prince Eric is up at the front of the ship screaming, 'I'm the king of the world!' while his trusty traveling companion, Grimsby, also known as Shannon, is puking overboard.)

Sailors: I'll tell you a tale of the bottomless blue 

And it's hey to the starboard, heave ho *wink*

Look out, lad, a mermaid be waitin' for you 

In mysterious phantoms below. 

Eric: Isn't this great? The salty sea air, the wind blowing in your face . . . a perfect day to be at sea!  WHEEEEEEEEEEE!

Grimsby: (Leaning over side.) Oh yes . . . delightful . . . . Especially being with you, your grace .... (Pukes)

Sailor 1: A fine strong wind and a following sea. King Triton must be in a horny-type mood. (Giggles)

Eric: King Triton? 

Sailor 2: Why, ruler of the merpeople, lad. Thought every good sailor knew about him. 

Grimsby: Well, he isn't a very good sailor, then, is he?

Eric: Hey! In real life, I grew up sailing!

Grimsby: Shut up, stick to the script. Actors .... Merpeople! Eric, pay no attention to this nautical nonsense.  ALLITERATION!

Sailor 2: But it ain't nonsense, it's the truth! I'm tellin' you, down in the depths o' the ocean they live. (He gestures naughily. Fish in his hand, rather horny, accidentaly flops away and lands back in the ocean, pissed.) 

Sailors: Heave. ho. Heave, ho. In mysterious phantoms below. 

(Various fish swimming. Merpeople converge on a great undersea palace, filling concert hall inside. Fanfare ensues.) 

Seahorse: Ahem . . . His royal highness, King Triton! 

(Triton enters dramatically to wild cheering.) 

Triton: Thank you! My adoring public at last!

Seahorse: And presenting the distinguished court composer, Horatio Thelonious Ignatius Crustaceous Sebastian! 

(Sebastian enters to mild applause.) 

Sebastian: Oh come on! I really should get more applause than that! I mean, compared to Rey... King Triton. I hate my life.

Triton: I'm really looking forward to this performance, Sebastian. 

Sebastian: Oh, Your Majesty, you have no life. But this will be the finest concert I have ever conducted. Your daughters - they will be spectacular! (Winks)

Triton: Yes, and especially my little Ariel. I love her! (Cuddles picture of her)

Sebastian: Yes, yes, she has the most beautiful voice. . . . [sotto] If only she'd show up for rehearsals once in a while. . . . might actually get laid for once . . . 

(He proceeds to podium and begins to direct orchestra.) 

Triton's daughters: Ah, we are the daughters of Triton. 

Great father who loves us and named us well: 

Aquata, Andrina, Arista, Atina, Adella, Allana. 

We think he was rather and horribly drunk.

And then there is the youngest in her musical debut, 

Our seventh little sister, we're presenting her to you, 

To sing a song Sebastian wrote, her voice is like a bell, 

She's our sister, Ar-i . . . 

(Shell opens to reveal that Ariel is absent.) 

SHE'S NOT HERE! THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA! (Twirl in fear)

Triton: (Very angry.) Ariel!! THAT WENCH! DAMNIT all those singing lessons gone to watse.

Sebastien: Not really .... 

(Cut to Ariel looking at sunken ship. He...she...whatever...ok, for the sake of continuity, we'll use "she"...is busy fixing the straps of her seashell bra)

Ariel: Damnit, how the hell can women wear these things...  

Flounder: (From distance.) Ariel, wait for me . . .

Ariel: Flounder, hurry up!

Flounder: (Catching up.) You know I can't swim that fast. 

Ariel: (glaring at him) I kind of figured that when you were floating aimlessly about two hundred feet back. (sigh, motions to giant ship) There it is. Isn't it fantastic? If we renovate it, it could be turned into a grand Opera House!

Flounder: Yeah . . . sure . . . it - it's great. Now let's get outta here. The less ideas you get, the better.

Ariel: You're not getting cold fins now, are you? ...that was a bad pun. Shoot me. Now.

Flounder: Who, me? No way. It's just, it, err . . . it looks - damp in there. Yeah. And I think I may be coming down with something. Yeah, I've got this cough. (Flounder coughs unconvincingly) 

Ariel: Does that mean I don't have to kill you and that you'll die of your own accord?

Flounder: ....

Ariel: All right. I'm going inside. You can just stay here and - watch for sharks. (She goes inside.) 

Flounder: O.K. Yeah - you go. I'll stay and - what? Sharks! Ariel! (He tries to fit through porthole.) Ariel . . . I can't . . . I mean - Ariel help! 

Ariel: (Laughs.) Silly Flounder. Adventures are for people who aren't PANSY MANAGERS WHO CAN'T EVEN FOLLOW ORDERS---*eh em*

Flounder: (Whispering.)Ariel, do you really think there might be sharks around here? (Shark passes outside.) 

Ariel: Flounder, don't be such a guppy. ...Pun two. Punjab. NOW.

Flounder: I'm not a guppy. (Gets pulled through porthole.)This is great - I mean, I really love this. Excitement, adventure, danger lurking around every corn- YAAAAHHHHHHHH!! Ariel!! (He sees a skull, crashes into pillar causing cave in, and swims frantically away, knocking over Ariel.) 

Ariel: Oh, are you okay? Sorry about that...I thought I hid that skull...

Flounder: ...so that's what happened to that stagehand...

Ariel: Shhh . . . (Seeing a fork.) ... (in a mocking tone) Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! Have you ever seen anything so wonderful in your entire life? WHAT THE HELL KIND OF SCRIPT IS THIS?! Bunch of idiots. IT'S A FORK. YOU EAT WITH IT. OR YOU CAN KILL PEOPLE WITH IT.

Flounder: Wow, cool! But, err, what is it? 

Ariel: I..don't know... (clenches teeth) But I bet Scuttle will. And if he doesn't, we stab him with it and see what it does. (Puts fork in bag. Skark swims by outside.) 

Flounder: What was that? Did you hear something? 

Ariel: (Distracted by pipe.) Hmm, I wonder what this one is? Oooh...drugs... /Susan Kay

Flounder: Ariel . . 

Ariel: Flounder, will you relax. Nothing is going to happen. And if it does...well...you're the one who'll be eaten.

Flounder: (Seeing Shark looming behind him.) AAHHHH!! Run!! Run!! We're gonna die!! (Shark chases them all around. Ariel's bag is hung up. She goes back for it. Shark almost gets them. They head for porthole.) Oh No!!

Ariel: Oh NO?! WE'RE GETTING CHASED BY A GIANT SHARK AND ALL YOU CAN SAY IS OH NO?! DAMNIT WHY CAN'T I HAVE MY LASSO WITH ME?!

(They crash through and go round and round. Flounder gets knocked silly but Ariel saves him and traps Shark) You big bully. THBBBTTTT . . . (Shark snaps at him and he swims away.) 

Ariel: ...Just. No. ::sobs:: Why am I doing this... You are an IDIOT.

Flounder: I am not. 

(On surface. Scuttle on his island humming and looking through his telescope.) 

Ariel: Scuttle! 

Scuttle: (Looking through the telescope the wrong way.) I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the missletoe last night .... 

Ariel: Buquet, you drunk! Answer to Scuttle, damnit! 

Scuttle: Ariel, how you doin' kid? (Lowers telescope to reveal Ariel at wing's length, looks at her) Whoa, what a bra! 

Ariel: Punjab .... punjab ... Oh right, motivation. (Airheadish) Scuttle - look what we found. 

Flounder: Yeah - we were in this sunken ship - it was really creepy. I almost died ... again .... 

Scuttle: Human stuff, huh? Hey, lemme see. (Picks up fork.) Look at this. Wow - this is special - this is very, very unusual. .... Wait, this isn't fair. I reall don't know what the hell it is! 

Ariel: What? What is it? 

Scuttle: Urm ..... It's a dinglehopper, yeah. 

Ariel: No, that's not a dinglehopper, I have one, and .... 

Scuttle: Humans use these little babies . . . to straighten their hair out. 

Flounder: Oh, so that's what all the kids are calling it. 

Scuttle: See - just a little twirl here an' a yank there and - voiolay! You got an aesthetically pleasing configuration of hair that humans go nuts over! 

Ariel: I'm rather annoyed by all these puns .... 

Flounder: What about that one? 

Scuttle: (Holding pipe) Ah - this I haven't seen in years. This is wonderful! A banded, bulbous - snarfblat. 

Ariel and Flounder: *Giggles* That sounds worse than dinglehopper. 

Scuttle: Now, the snarfblat dates back to prehistorical times, when humans used to sit around, and stare at each other all day. Got very boring. 

Ariel: Nadir and I used to do that constantly ... of course, I scared the shit out of him, so it was a little different ... 

Scuttle: So, they invented the snarfblat to make fine music. Allow me. (Scuttle blows into the pipe; seaweed pops out the other end.) 

Ariel: That's music?! (Cannont speak) Wait ... Music? Oh, the concert! Oh my gosh, my father's gonna kill me!  OH MY GOD OH MY GOD! MY NAILS, MY HAIR, OH MY GOD! 

Flounder: The concert was today? 

Ariel: Aren't we a little slow today? 

Scuttle: (Still contemplating pipe.) Maybe you could make a little planter out of it or somethin'.  Wait, where's my basil garden, here you can have some .... 

Ariel: Uh, I'm sorry, I've gotta go. Thank you Scuttle. Yeah, thanks for nothing. 

Flounder: It was pretty amusing. 

Ariel: For who? 

Scuttle: Anytime sweetie, anytime. Oh, gotta get me one of those seashell bras.  

(Cut to Flotsam and Jetsam, then Ursula in background watching magic projection of Ariel swimming.) 

Ursula: Yeeeeeees, hurry home, princess. We wouldn't want to miss old daddy's celebration, now, would we? Huh! Celebration indeed. Bah! If it trully were a celebration, I would have been invited back to shriek ... urm, sing an aria for the entire court. In MY day, we had fantastical feasts when I lived in the palace. And now, look at me - wasted away to practically nothing - living with two of the worst stage actors I've ever come across and being forced to keep them as my only companions. Why? WHY?! Well, I'll give 'em something to celebrate soon enough. 

(Flotsam and Jetsam have been making out in the corner.) 

Ursula: Flotsam! Jetsam! I want you to keep an extra close watch on this pretty little daughter of his. She may be the key to Triton's undoing. . . .  Oh, God, this sucks. I'm going after Triton, I want Ariel. Life sucks. 

(Fade to the palace throne room where Ariel is being admonished.) 

Triton: YOU! Young Lady! How are we supposed to hold a concert with you running off like this?!

Ariel: Deal with it, old man.

Triton: This coming from the 40, 50 year old Phantom?

Ariel: Go to hell. Just, go to hell.

Triton: As a result of your careless behaviour - 

Sebastian: Careless and reckless behaviour! 

Ariel: I GET THE POINT DAMN CRAB.

Triton: - the entire celebration was, er - 

Sebastian: Well, it was ruined! That's all. Completely destroyed! This concert was to be the pinnacle of my distinguished career. Now thanks to you I am the laughing stock of the entire kingdom! 

Ariel: MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

Flounder: But it wasn't her fault! Ah - well - first, ahh, this shark chased us - yeah - yeah! And we tried to - but we couldn't - and - grrrrrrrrr - and - and we - whoooaaaaaa - oh, and then we were safe. But then this seagull came, and it was this is this, and that is that, and - 

Triton: Seagull? What? Oh - you went up to the surface again, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU? ::shakes her by the shoulders:: DIDN'T YOU?!?!?!?!

Ariel: ::shrieks, swims back:: Nothing - happened. . . .yes...nothing at all...you're merely imagining things....

Triton: Oh, Ariel, How many times must we go through this? You could've been seen by one of those barbarians - by - by one of those humans! 

Ariel: As if we're THAT different...

Triton: They're dangerous. Do you think I want to see my youngest daughter snared by some fish-eater's hook? 

Ariel: I'm sixteen years old - I'm not a child anymore - ...wait, sixteen? ...I wish. 

Triton: Don't you take that tone of voice with me young lady. As long as you live under my ocean, you'll obey my rules! 

Ariel: SHUT UP OR YOU'LL BE OBEYING MY LASSO!!!

Triton: Not another word - and I am never, NEVER to hear of you going to the surface again. Is that clear? (Ariel leaves, cursing up a storm and plotting revenge.) 

Sebastian: Hm! Teenagers. . . . They think they know everything. You give them an inch, they swim all over you. 

Triton: Do you, er, think I - I was too hard on her?

Sebastian: Definitely not. ...too hard on her? Reyer, are you on crack? ...Reyer, being too hard on someone...Aha..ahaha..AHAHAHA-- (cut off by glare from Triton) ...Why, if Ariel was my daughter, I'd show her who was boss. None of this "flitting to the surface" and other such nonsense. No, sir - I'd keep her under tight control. Tie her to a chair or something. It always works.

Triton: You're absolutely right, Sebastian. 

Sebastian: Of course. I'm always right.

Triton: Ariel needs constant supervision. 

Sebastian: Constant. 

Triton: Someone to watch over her - to keep her out of trouble. 

Sebastian: All the time - 

Triton: And YOU are just the crab to do it. 

Sebastian: Damnit, I knew that was coming.

Sebastian: How do I get myself into these situations? I should be managing some opera- not tagging along after some headstrong maniac. (Sees Ariel and Flounder sneaking off and follows.) Hmm? What is that girl up to? Wait, why do I care? I could be dead in five minutes. (He barely makes it into cave and sees Ariel's collection.) Huh? 

Flounder: Ariel, are you okay? 

Ariel: NO I'M NOT OKAY! I happen to be PMSing, I'm stuck in this horrible movie with the likes of you as my only co-star for the time being, and now I have to sing this damn song. (Sigh) 

Look at this stuff 

Isn't it neat? 

No, not really, actually 

Wouldn't you think my collection's complete? 

Wouldn't you think I'm the girl 

The girl who has ev'rything? 

Oh, come on. You all suck. 

Look at this trove 

Treasures untold 

How many wonders can one cavern hold? 

Lookin' around here you'd think 

Sure, she's got everything 

If I had everything I could retire and 

become a hermit and not put up with this crap 

I've got gadgets and gizmos aplenty 

I've got whozits and whatzits galore 

I sound like some sex crazzed ... Oh wait, I am ... 

(You want thingamabobs? 

I got twenty) 

But who cares? 

No big deal 

I want more 

I wanna be where the people are 

This is so OOC for me ... 

I wanna see 

Wanna see 'em dancin' 

Walkin' around on those 

(Whad'ya call 'em?) oh - feet (Rolls eyes)  

Flippin' your fins you don't get too far 

Legs are required for jumpin', dancin' 

Strollin' along down a 

(What's that word again?) street 

Couldn't someone else sing this, like the fop? 

Up where they walk 

Up where they run 

Up where they stay all day in the sun 

Wanderin' free 

Wish I could be 

Part of that world 

No I don't 

What would I give 

If I could live 

Outta these waters? 

I would give my ... lair  

What would I pay 

To spend a day 

Warm on the sand? 

AS MUCH AS IT TAKES AS LONG AS THE SAND IS THE BANKS OF MY LAKE 

Betcha on land 

They understand 

Bet they don't reprimand their daughters 

(Groans) 

Bright young women 

Sick o' swimmin' 

Ready to stand 

Floating, falling, sweet intoxication ... What? 

And ready to know what the people know 

Ask 'em my questions 

And get some answers 

What's a fire and why does it 

(What's the word?) burn? 

Who thinks up this crap? 

When's it my turn? 

Wouldn't I love 

Love to explore that shore above? 

Yes, it would be my pride and joy. 

Out of the sea 

Wish I could be 

Part of that world 

Oh, thank you! It's over now, THE MUSIC OF THE NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT! 

(Sebastian has been struggling around and now comes crashing down making a lot of noise.) 

Ariel: Sebastian!? YOU STALKER! 

Sebastian: Ariel - what, are you mad? How could you - what is all this? 

Ariel: It, err, it's just my - collection. . . . (Throws box of condoms into a random drawer) 

Sebastian: Oh. I see. Your collection. Hmmm. IF YOUR FATHER KNEW ABOUT THIS PLACE HE'D ... PROBABLY JOIN IN, BUT REGARDLESS ....... 

Flounder: You're not gonna tell him, are you? Please oh please of please .... 

Ariel: Oh, please, Sebastian, he would never understand. I mean, I don't know what the hell's going on with this bra, and my handome features, I mean, I'm a mess right now. 

Sebastian: Ariel. You're under a lot of pressure down here. Come with me, I'll take you home and get you something warm to drink. 

Flounder: TEQUILLA?! 

Sebastian: Shut up. Just go die. 

(A ship passes by overhead.) 

Ariel: What do you suppose?. . . Better than you two ....   

Sebastian: Ariel? Ariel! 

(On surface. Fireworks in the sky around ship. Ariel looks on, sort of amazed. Sebastian and Flounder arrive.) 

Ariel: I could do better with the gunpowder in my lair…

Sebastian: Ariel, what - what are you- jumpin' jellyfish! ALLITERATION! Ariel, Ariel! Please come back! (Ariel swims to ship and watches party until Max finds her.) 

Eric: (Whistles.) Max, here boy. Hey, come on, mutt, whatcha doing, huh Max? AHH NOT MY SHOE NOT MY SHOE OW THAT'S MY LEG DAMNIT!!!

Grimsby: Quite a way with animals, hm?

Eric: Shut up. Now.

Scuttle: Hey there, sweetie! Quite a show, eh? I mean, just look at that hunky prince…

Ariel: …I'm going to ignore that statement. And shut up! They'll hear you. 

Scuttle: Oooh, I gotcha, I gotcha. We're being intrepidatious. WE'RE OUT TO DISCOVER! (Ariel grabs his beak.) 

Ariel: DO YOU WANT ME TO DRAG YOU INTO THE OCEAN?! No? Ok, so SHUT UP. (peers onto boat )I've never seen a human this close before. Oh - he's very handsome, isn't he? …please, PLEASE tell me I didn't just say that…Oh god, no, not about the fop…

Scuttle: (Looking at Max) I dunno, he looks kinda hairy and slobbery to me. 

Ariel: Not that one, you idiot - the one playing the snarfblat. …somehow, that sounds wrong.

Grimsby: Silence! Silence! It is now my honour and privilege to present our esteemed Prince Eric with a very special, very expensive, very large birthday present. How we managed to get this thing onto the ship…well…don't ask. It deals with a lot of midgets.  That's all you need to know.

Eric: Ah, Grimsby - y'old beanpole, you shouldn't have. 

Grimsby: Beanpole? Beanpole?! (glare) Happy birthday, Eric! (Large, gaudy statue of Eric is revealed. Max growls.) 

Eric: Gee, Grim. It's, err, it's, err - it's really somethin'. . . .yeah…er…I think…the nose is off…and the hair…oh, you got it all wrong…! It's nowhere near as gorgeous as I! 

Grimsby: …nothing is, is it. Well, this was SUPPOSED to be a wedding present, but…

Eric: Come on, Grim, don't start. Look, you're not still sore because I didn't fall for the princess of Glauerhaven, are you? 

Grimsby: Oh, Eric, it isn't me alone. The entire kingdom wants to see you happily settled down with the right girl. Or guy. I mean, at the rate we're going at, they couldn't care if you married your damned dog.

Eric: Well, she's out there somewhere. I just - I just haven't found her yet. 

Grimsby: Well, perhaps you haven't been looking hard enough.

Eric: Believe me, Grim, when I find her I'll know - without a doubt. It'll just - bam! - hit me - like lightning. (Lightning and thunder appear and the sky grows dark.) 

Grimsby: Damnit, fop, why are you a walking curse?!

Sailor: Hurricane a'commin'!! Stand fast! Secure the riggin'! (Storm hits.) 

Scuttle: Whoa! The wind's all of a sudden on the move here. (He is blown away.) Oh! Ariel . . . (Ship crashes through storm. Lightning starts a fire. A rock looms ahead.) 

Eric: Look out! . . . (Ship crashes and all are thrown overboard except Max.) Grim, hang on! (Sees Max.) Max! (Goes back to save him.) Jump Max! Come on boy, jump! You can do it Max. YOU CAN DO EET!!! (He saves Max but is trapped on board.) …Well, DAMNIT.

Grimsby: ERIC! …oh well. There goes another one. (Ship explodes. Ariel finds Eric near drowning and pulls him away.)  

(On beach. Ariel is sitting next to an unconscious Eric.) 

Ariel: Is he - dead? Please, please let him be dead…

Scuttle: (Opens Eric's eyelid.) It's hard to say. (Puts his ear against Eric's foot.) Oh, I - I can't make out a heartbeat. 

Ariel: No, look! He's breathing. Damnit. Guess I'm not so lucky now. …He's so, beautiful…? What?! Okay. I'm going to go on strike if this keeps up…I'm NOT calling the fop beautiful…even if he is kind of---damnit. I'm going crazy here. Too much seawater. …And here we go, another song…

What would I give 

To live where you are? 

And be rich and have Christine and…

What would I pay 

To stay here beside you? 

I'd have to be paid for that…

What would I do to see you 

Smiling at me? 

…Just…no.

Where would we walk? 

Where would we run? 

If we could stay all day in the sun? 

Just you and me 

And I could be 

Part of your world 

…NEVER. Ok. NEVER.

(Sebastian and Flounder have washed up and are watching scene. Max and Grimsby approach. Ariel hurries away.) 

Grimsby: Eric! Oh, Eric. You really delight in these sadistic strains on my blood pressure, don't you? 

Eric: A girl - rescued me. . . . She was - singing . . . she had the most - beautiful voice. Like an angel… Her voice filled my spirit with a strange, sweet sound… …actually, come to think of it, it sounded more like a man. (suddenly realizes who Ariel's being played by) …AHHHH! I DID NOT JUST SAY THOSE THINGS!

Grimsby: Ah, Eric, I think you've swallowed a bit too much seawater. Then again, you're always like this, so it's not saying too much Off we go. Come on, Max. 

Sebastian: We just gotta forget this whole thing ever happened. The sea king will never know. You won't tell him, I won't tell him. I will stay in one piece. For as long as I can, anyway

Ariel: 

I don't know when 

I don't know how 

But I know something's starting right now 

…the remains of my sanity slipping away?

Watch and you'll see 

Some day I'll be 

Part of your world 

…maybe I should just give up and go with the damn script.

(Flotsam and Jetsam appear. Fade to Ursula watching from her chamber.) 

Ursula: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. I can't stand it - it's too ... disgusting.The child is in love with a human. And not just any human - a prince! Her daddy'll LOVE that.God, what am I on?! King Triton's headstrong, lovesick girl would make a charming addition to my little garden. Garden? What? Oh that .... Where's my vodka?

(Fade to palace. Then sister's dressing room.) 

Andrina: Ariel, dear, time to come out. You've been in there all morning. Doing God knows what, you little hobag. 

(Ariel emerges, singing "All I Ask Of You") 

Atina: What is with her lately? I bet she got laid. 

Ariel: Morning, Daddy. Urgh, Daddy. Sentiment. I can't take it! (Swims away) 

Atina: Oh, she's got it bad. 

Triton: What? What has she got? GODDAMNIT, WHAT?! It's an STD ISN'T IT?! 

Andrina: Isn't it obvious, Daddy? Ariel's in love. 

Triton: Ariel? In love? What's that? 

(Cut to Sebastian pacing on rock outside.) 

Sebastian: O.K. So far, so good. I don't think the king knows. I mean, considering all the major hints being dropped. But it will not be easy keeping something like this a secret for long. So we might as well just let the cat out of the bag right now .... 

Ariel: (Picking petals off a flower) He loves me . . . hmmm, he loves me not. . . . He loves me! I knew it! (Girlish giggle, Sing-songy) He loves me, he loves me ..... 

Sebastian: Ariel, stop talking crazy. Stop acting crazy. Stop being .... you. 

Ariel: I gotta see him again - tonight! Scuttle knows where he lives. 

Sebastian: You would trust that bundle of feathers? I mean, he has a hunch. Anyone with a hunch can't be good. 

Flounder: How do you know he has a hunch? 

Sebastian: We roomed together in college. 

Flounder: Oh. 

Ariel: I'll swim up to his castle. Then Flounder will wave my vibrator around, and .... 

Sebastian: Down HERE is your home! Ariel - listen to me. The human world - it's a mess. Life under the sea is better than anything they got up there. 

The seaweed is always greener 

In somebody else's lake 

Ariel: I like my lake 

Sebastian: Shut up, I'm singing. 

Ariel: Not well. 

Sebsatian: Stuff it! 

You dream about going up there 

But that is a big mistake 

Just look at the world around you 

Right here on the ocean floor 

Such wonderful things surround you 

What more is you lookin' for? 

Under the sea 

Under the sea 

Let's get repeatative! 

Darling it's better 

Down where it's wetter 

Urgh ....   

Take it from me 

Up on the shore they work all day 

Out in the sun they slave away 

While we devotin' 

Full time to floatin' 

Under the sea 

Down here all the fish is happy .... HAPPY 

(All fish have painted smiles) 

As off through the waves they roll 

The fish on the land ain't happy .... HAPPY 

Fish: Shut up. 

Sebsatian:   

They sad 'cause they in their bowl 

But fish in the bowl is lucky 

They in for a worser fate 

Ariel: God, I should start punjabing for bad grammer 

Sebastian:  

One day when the boss get hungry 

Guess who's gon' be on the plate 

Under the sea 

Under the sea 

Nobody beat us 

Fry us and eat us 

In fricassee 

Ariel: WTF? 

Sebsatian:  

We what the land folks loves to cook 

Under the sea we off the hook 

We got no troubles 

Life is the bubbles 

Under the sea 

Under the sea 

Since life is sweet here 

We got the beat here 

Naturally E-E-E 

Even the sturgeon an' the ray 

They get the urge 'n' start to play 

We got the spirit 

You got to hear it 

Under the sea 

Okay, Keep up now! 

 plays the flute 

Piangi plays the harp 

Firmin plays the bass 

And he's soundin' sharp 

Erik plays the brass 

Christine plays the tub 

Andre's the duke of soul 

Andre: Yeah 

Sebastian:  

Reyer he can play 

Buquet on the strings 

Raoul rockin' out 

Carlotta she sings 

The smelt and the sprat 

They know where it's at 

An' oh that blowfish blow 

Under the sea 

Under the sea 

When the sardine 

Begin the beguine 

It's music to me 

Which is sad 

What do they got? A lot of sand 

We got a hot crustacean band 

Each little clam here 

know how to jam here 

Under the sea 

Each little slug here 

Cuttin' a rug here 

Under the sea 

 Shannon and Dana  

Know how to wail here 

That's why it's hotter 

Under the water 

Ya we in luck here 

Down in the muck here 

Under the sea 

(They discover that Ariel has left with Flounder.) 

Sebsatian: Ariel? Ariel? Oh . . . somebody's got to nail that girl's fins to the floor. Or tie her to a chair. Damnit, bad childhood memories.  

Seahorse: Sebastian! Sebastian, I've been looking all over for you. I've got an urgent message from the sea king. 

Sebastian: Oh great. 

Seahorse: He wants to see you right away - something about Ariel. 

Sebastian: He knows!  Well, crap. This can't be good.

(In palace throne room. Triton looking at flower.) 

Triton: Let's see, now. . . . Oh, who could the lucky merman be? (Notices Sebastian.) Come in, Sebastian. 

Sebastian: (Sotto) I mustn't overreact. I must remain calm. Calm. One, two, three, four, five…remember what the therapist said… (Five octaves higher than normal) Yes - (loco) yes, Your Majesty. 

Triton: Now, Sebastian, I'm concerned about Ariel. Have you noticed she's been acting peculiar lately? 

Sebastian: Peculiar? 

Triton: You know, moaning about, daydreaming, singing to herself. . . . You haven't noticed, hmm?

Sebastian: Oh - well, I - 

Triton: Sebastian. . . . 

Sebastian: Hmmm? 

Triton: I know you've been keeping something from me. . . . I don't LIKE it when people keep secrets from me…

Sebastian: Keeping . . . something? Eh..ehehe..ehehehe…

Triton: About Ariel? 

Sebastian: Ariel . . . ? What…about…her…

Triton: In love? 

Sebastian: In love with the fop? I tried to stop her, sir. She wouldn't listen. I told her to stay away from humans - they are bad, they are trouble, they - 

Triton: Humans? WHAT ABOUT HUMANS? 

Sebastian: Humans? Ho ho ho ho. . . . Who said anything about humans? …DAMNIT, I need to shut my mouth for once.

(Fade to Ariel and Flounder entering cave.) 

Ariel: Flounder, why can't you just tell me what this is all about? 

Flounder: You'll see. It's a suprise. 

Ariel: (Sees statue of Eric.) Oh, Flounder- Flounder you're the best! it looks just like him. It even has his eyes. "Why, Eric, run away with you? This is all so - so sudden. . . ." …why…am I fantasising…about…Raoul…

(Turns around and sees Triton.) Daddy! . . . STOP INVADING MY HOMOEROTIC FANTASIES!

Triton: I consider myself a reasonable merman. I set certain rules, and I expect those rules to be obeyed. 

Ariel: SCREW YOUR RULES! 

Triton: Is it true you rescued a human from drowing? IS IT?! WELL IS IT?!

Ariel: Daddy, I had to…I mean, I've killed so many people, I need some good karma…

Triton: Contact between the human world and the mer-world is strictly forbidden. Ariel, you know that! Everyone knows that! EVERYONE! Except YOU! So you're not part of EVERYONE!

Ariel: He would have died- 

Triton: One less human to worry about! 

Ariel: And normally, I would have been the one to kill him myself! You don't even know him. 

Triton: Know him? I don't have to know him. They're all the same. Spineless, savage, harpooning, fish-eaters, incapable of any feeling- 

Ariel: Daddy, I love him! …oh god. I can't believe I'm saying this…

Triton: No . . . Have you lost your senses completely? He's a human, you're a mermaid! YOU'LL HAVE DEFORMED BABIES!

Ariel: …*AHEM*

Triton: So help me Ariel, I am going to get through to you. And if this is the only way, so be it. (Begins to blast the artifacts with his trident.) 

Ariel: Daddy!. . . No . . . No, please- Daddy, stop!. . . Daddy, Nooo!!. . . I COULD HAVE USED THAT STATUE FOR…THINGS…!

(He blasts statue. Ariel begins crying and he leaves, ashamed.) 

Sebastian: Ariel, I . . . 

Ariel: (Still crying.) Just go away. I hate people. I hate the world. I hate Reyer. I hate the fact that I have to be in love with the fop. And I hate me because I'm beginning to not mind. (He leaves and Flotsan and Jetsam appear.) 

Flotsam: Poor child. …serves her right…

Jetsam: Poor, sweet child. 

Flotsam: She has a very serious problem…

Jetsam: If only there were something we could do. To benefit ourselves in the long run, anyway.

Flotsam: But there is something. I think. Maybe. Perhaps.

Ariel: Who - who are you? 

Jetsam: Don't be scared. We only look threatening because we're fat.

Flotsam: We represent someone who can help you. 

Jetsam: Someone who could make all your dreams come true. Well. Maybe not all of them. But most of them…

Flotsam and Jetsam: Just imagine - 

Jetsam: You and your prince - 

Flotsam and Jetsam: Together, forever. . . . 

Ariel: (gags) I don't understand. 

Jetsam: Ursula has great powers 

Ariel: The sea witch? Why, that's - I couldn't possibly - no! Get out of here! Leave me alone! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF SORCERY! (mumbles something about a bad experience with a witch a long time ago)

Flotsam: Suit yourself. 

Jetsam: It was only a suggestion. 

[Jetsam flicks the statue's broken face towards Ariel.] 

Ariel: [Looking at the face] Wait. You know what. At this point in time, I've got absolutely nothing to lose. Nothing to gain, either, but oh well.

Flotsam and Jetsam: Yeeeeeeeeeess? 

(Cut to outside of cave with Flounder and Sebastian.) 

Flounder: (sniff) Poor Ariel. 

Sebastian: I didn't mean to tell, it was an accident. SIMPLY AN ACCIDENT! (Ariel passes by.) Ariel - where are you going? Ariel, what are you doing here with this riff-raff? 

Ariel: I'm going to see Ursula. 

Sebastian: Ariel, no! No, she's a demon, she's a monster! …and she is that way out of the cast too…

Ariel: Why don't you go tell my father? You're good at that. Oh. Oh. YOU GOT SERVED. ((Author's note: I'm sorry, I punched myself for that, but it had to be said))

Sebastian: But . . . But, I . . . (To Flounder.) Come on. (They travel towards Ursula's cavern.) 

Flotsam and Jetsam: This way. (Ariel enters and is hung up in the garden of souls.) 

Ursula: Come in. Come in, my child. My angel. We mustn't lurk in doorways, nor Box Fives, it's rude. One MIGHT question your upbringing, not that you had a real one. . . . Now, then. You're here because you have a thing for this human. 

Ariel: Sadly yes. 

Ursula: Quiet, I had a monolouge. This, er, prince fellow. Not that I blame you - he is quite a catch, isn't he? I did marry him you know. Well, angel fish, the solution to your problem is simple. The only way to get what you want - is to become a human yourself. Wait, how is that simple? Am I still drunk?! 

Ariel: Can you DO that? Oh of course, duh, your drunk. 

Ursula: My dear, sweet child, that's what I do - it's what I live for. 

Ariel: I feel sorry for you, then. 

Ursula: To help unfortunate merfolk - like yourself. Poor souls with no one else to turn to. 

I admit that in the past I've been a nasty 

They weren't kidding when they called me, well, a witch 

(People are heard in the background screaming "Burn her! Burn her!") 

But you'll find that nowadays 

I've mended all my ways 

Repented, seen the light and made a switch 

True? No. 

And I fortunately know a little magic 

It's a talent that I always have possessed 

And here lately, please don't laugh 

I use it on behalf 

Of the miserable, lonely and depressed 

Oh God, into a song now ... 

Poor unfortunate souls 

In pain 

In need 

(To Flotsam) This one longed to be thinner   

(To Jetsam) That one wanted to get the girl 

And do I help them? 

No, not really 

Those poor unfortunate souls 

So sad 

So true 

They come flocking to my cauldron 

Crying, "Spells, Ursula please!" 

People: SPELLS, URSULA, PLEASE! 

Ursula: GET AWAY FROM ME!  

And I help them? 

Yes, I do 

Now it's happened once or twice 

Someone couldn't pay the price 

And I'm afraid I had to rake 'em 'cross the coals 

People: (Perish)  

Ursula: 

Yes, I've had the odd complaint 

But on the whole I've been a saint 

Ariel: (Snicker) 

Ursula: 

To those poor unfortunate souls  

Now, here's the deal. I will make you a potion that will turn you into a human for three days. Got that? Three days. Look, One, Two, Three. Wow, I didn't know I could count that high. Now listen, this is important, I'm almost possitive. Before the sun sets on the third day, you've got to get dear ol' princey to fall in love with you. That is, he's got to kiss you. 

Ariel: (Dies) 

Ursula: Not just any kiss - the kiss of true love. If he does kiss you before the sun sets on the third day, you'll remain human, permanently, but - if he doesn't, you turn back into a mermaid, and - you belong to me. 

Ariel: I might like that more, actually ...... 

Sebastian: No Ariel! (He is silenced by Flotsam and Jetsam.) 

Ursula: Have we got a deal? 

Ariel: If I become human, I'll never be with my father or sisters again. Wait, who gives a crap? It's either Christine or Raoul! LIFE IS FINE! 

Ursula: That's right. . . . But - you'll have your man. Life's full of tough choices, innit? 

Ariel: Punjab .... Punjab ..... 

Ursula: Oh - and there is one more thing. We haven't discussed the subject of payment. You can't get something for nothing, you know. 

Ariel: But I don't have any - Oh, you want my bra?  

Ursula: I'm not asking much. Just a token, really, a trifle. You'll never even miss it. What I want from you is . . . your voice. 

Ariel: (Gasp) No way, scumbag!  This voice is mine! 

Ursula: You've got it, sweetcakes. No more talking, singing, zip. 

Ariel: But without my voice .... I can't do anything! 

Ursula: You'll have your looks! Your pretty face! (Gags) And don't underestimate the importance of body language! Ha! 

The men up there don't like a lot of blabber 

They think a girl who gossips is a bore 

Yes, on land it's much preferred 

For ladies not to say a word 

And after all, dear, what is idle prattle for? 

Ariel: WTF is 'idle prattle'? 

Ursula:  

Come on, they're not all that impressed with conversation 

True gentlemen avoid it when they can 

But they dote and swoon and fawn 

On a lady who's withdrawn 

It's she who holds her tongue who gets her man 

Come on, you poor unfortunate soul 

Go ahead! 

Make your choice! 

I'm a very busy woman 

Vodka's waiting  

And I haven't got all day 

It won't cost much 

Just your voice! 

You poor unfortunate soul 

It's sad 

But true 

If you want to cross a bridge, my sweet 

You've got to pay the toll 

Ariel: What's a bridge? WE LIVE UNDERWATER! 

Ursula: 

Take a gulp and take a breath 

And go ahead and sign the scroll! 

Flotsam, Jetsam, now I've gother, boys 

Flotsam: HEY! 

Ursula: 

The boss is on a roll 

This poor unfortunate soul.  

(Ariel signs contract.) 

Paluga, sarruga, come winds of the Caspian Sea. 

Now rings us glossitis and max laryngitis, 

La voce to me! 

Jetsam: 

Yeah, she is about 4284% drunk right now. 

Ursula: 

Now . . . sing! MY ANGEL OF MUSIC!  

Ariel: (Sings.) 

Ursula: Keep singing! (Giant magical hands rip out Ariel's voice and give it to Ursula. She laughs manically as Ariel is changed into a human and rushed to the surface by Flounder and Sebastian.) 

(Fade to beach. Eric and Max are walking near castle.) 

Eric: (Playing flute.) That voice. I can't get it out of my head. I've looked everywhere, Max - where could she be? (sigh) O cruel fate, why hast thou made me fall for my rival…

(On other side of rocks Ariel is washed up. Sebastian and Flounder are exausted. Ariel sees her legs and is amazed.) 

Scuttle: Well, look at what the catfish dragged in! Look at ya! Look at ya! There's something different. Don't tell me - I got it. It's your hairdo, right? You've been using the dinglehopper, right? (Ariel glares) No? No huh, well let me see. New . . . seashells? No new seashells. Same bra. (Ariel gives him the finger) I gotta admit I can't put my foot on it right now, but if I just stand here long enough I know that I'll - 

Sebastian: SHE'S GOT LEGS, YOU IDIOT! She traded her voice to the sea witch and got legs. Jeez, man . . . Are you friggen blind?

Scuttle: I knew that. 

Sebastian: Sure you did. Suuuure you did.

Flounder: Ariel's been turned into a human. She's gotta make the prince fall in love with her, and he's gotta ki- he's gotta kiss her. I don't know who to feel sorry for at this rate…(Ariel tries to get up.) 

Sebastian: And she's only got three days. Just look at her. On legs. On human legs! My nerves are shot. This is a catastrophe! What would her father say? I'll tell you what her father'd say, he'd say he's gonna kill himself a crab, that's what her father'd say! PETA will be after him! I'm gonna march meself straight home right now and tell him just like I shoulda done de minute- (Ariel grabs him by the neck.) . . . and don't you shake your head at me, young lady. Maybe there's still time. If we could get that witch to give you back your voice, you could go home with all the normal fish, and just be . . . just be . . . just be miserable for the rest of your life. As if you weren't to begin with. All right, all right. I'll try to help you find that prince. Boy. What a soft-shell I'm turning out to be. …Yay. Pun.

Scuttle: Now, Ariel, I'm tellin' ya, if you wanna be a human the first thing you gotta do is dress like one. Now lemme see. 

Ariel: (giving him a "Make me wear a dress and DIE" look)

(Cut to Eric and Max. Max smells Ariel and gets excited. Ariel would shriek if she had her voice.) 

Eric: Max? Huh . . . what, Max! 

Scuttle: (Whistles.) Ya look great kid. Ya look - sensational. Gotta love the rags, they do WONDERS for your curves. (They hear Max. He arrives and chases Ariel up on a rock.) 

Eric: Max . . . Max - Quiet Max! What's gotten into you fella? (Sees Ariel.) Oh . . . Oh, I see. Are you O.K., miss? I'm sorry if this knucklehead scared you. He's harmless, really - . . . you . . . seem very familiar . . . to me. Have we met? Wait…you tried to kill me once…well, then saved me, so yeah, I guess it's even. We have met? I knew it! You're the one - the one I've been looking for! What's your name? (Ariel mouths "Ariel" but no words come out.) What's wrong? What is it? You can't speak? (Ariel shakes her head.) Oh. Then you couldn't be who I thought. Angels of Music can't lose their voice. Though you are the only one around with a mask. So. Hmmm. (Ariel and Max look frustrated. She tries pantomime.) What is it? You're hurt? No, No . . . You need help. (She falls into him.) Whoa, whoa, careful - careful - easy. …Stop giving me the glare of death, I'm holding you whether you like it or not. Gee, you must have really been through something. Don't worry, I'll help you. Come on . . . Come on, you'll be okay. I think. I hope.

(Fade to Ariel in bath playing with bubbles.) 

Carlotta (no, not the fat Carlotta. A maid. How ironic): Washed up from a shipwreck. Oh, the poor thing. We'll have you feeling better in no time. [Picks up Ariel's "dress"] I'll just - I'll just get this washed for you. 

Ariel: (goes wide eyed when she sees the dress. Thinking: ) 'NO! NO! NOOOOOOO!!!!'

(Cut to Sebastian in dress getting washed.) 

Woman 1: Well you must have at least heard about this girl. 

Woman 2: Well, Gretchen says . . . (Sebastian is dunked.) . . . since when has Gretchen got anything right. I mean really, this girl shows up in rags and doesn't speak- 

Sebastian: Madame, please ! . . . This is worse than the time I was shoved into the laundry machine…

Woman 2: . . . not my idea of a princess. If Eric's looking for a girl, I know a couple of highly available ones right here . . . (Sebastian dives into kitchen and sees various fish cooking. He faints.) 

(Cut to castle dining room.) 

Grimsby: Oh, Eric, be reasonable. Nice young ladies just don't - swim around rescuing people in the middle of the ocean and then - flutter off into oblivion, like some - 

Eric: I'm tellin' you, Grim, she was REAL! I'm gonna find that girl - and I'm gonna marry her. And this time, my brother isn't around to stop me! HAH!

Carlotta: Ha Ha. Come on honey. Don't be shy. (Ariel enteres in a beautiful dress. She has a very very sullen look on her face) 

Grimsby: Oh, Eric, isn't she a vision? A vision of beauty…well…partly. 

Eric: You look - wonderful. For someone in drag.

Ariel: (gives him a glare of doom)

Grimsby: Come come come, you must be famished. Let me help you my dear. There we go - ah - quite comfy? Uh. It's - It's not often that we have such a lovely dinner guest, eh Eric? (Ariel starts combing hair with a fork. They look dumbfounded. She shrugs and throws the fork into the wall. She sees pipe and brightens and thinks "DRUGS AGAIN! OH YEAH! Now I can get through the day…") Uh, do you like it? It is rather - fine . . . (She blows its contents into his face. Eric laughs.) 

Carlotta: Oh, my! 

Eric: Ahem, so sorry Grim. … (points and laughs at Ariel)

Carlotta: Why, Eric, that's the first time I've seen you smile in weeks. Aww, look, the girl's making you blush.

Eric: …(sigh)

Grimsby: (Wiping his face.) Oh, very amusing. Carlotta, my dear, what's for dinner? 

Carlotta: Oooh, you're gonna love it. Chef's been fixing his specialty, stuffed crab. 

(Cut to Sebastian watching Louis cook. He is humming to himself.)  

Louis: 

Les poisons 

Les poisons 

How I love to poison teh people  

Love to chop 

And to serve little fish with le poison 

First I cut off their heads 

Then I pull out the bones 

Ah mais oui 

Ca c'est toujours delish 

And I'll snort here some more 

Les poisons 

Les poisons 

Hee hee hee 

Hah hah hah 

Nothing's really that funny  

With the cleaver I hack them in two 

I pull out what's inside 

And I serve it up fried 

God, I love little fishes 

Don't you? No, I didn't think so. 

Here's something for tempting the palate 

Prepared in the classic technique 

First you pound the fish flat with a mallet 

Then you slash through the skin 

Give the belly a slice 

Then you rub some salt in 

'Cause that makes it taste nice 

VOLIA! LES POISONES FISHIES! 

Zut alors, I have missed one! 

Sacre bleu 

What is this? 

A crab, yes I know. 

How on earth could I miss 

Such a sweet little succulent crab? 

Quel dommage 

What a loss 

Here we go in the sauce 

Now some flour, I think 

Just a dab 

Bless you 

Now I stuff you with bread 

It don't hurt 'cause you're dead 

Sebastian: A lot you know. 

Louis: 

And you're certainly lucky you are 

'Cause it's gonna be hot 

In my big silver pot 

Toodle loo mon poisson 

Au revoir!  

(Sebastian hops back and Louis grabs him again.) What is this? (Sebastian pinches his nose and a battle ensues. Louis knocks over a large cabinet.)  

(Cut to dining room. Huge crash is heard.) 

Carlotta: I think I'd better go see what Louis is up to. (Mumbles something about sex games) 

(Back to kitchen. Louis is trashing the place.) 

Louis: Come out you little pipsqueak and fight like a man! Or a crab! OR WHATEVER! 

Carlotta: Louis! What are you doing? 

Louis: Well - I - I was just - er, er, I'm sorry, madame.

(Cut back to dining room.) 

Grimsby: You know, Eric, perhaps our young guest might enjoy seeing some of the sights of the kingdom. Something in the way of a tour? 

Eric: I'm sorry, Grim, what was that? Me? Take the psycho homical maniac on a tour? And sit next to him in a carriage so he can toss me out over a bridge whenever he feels like it?

Grimsby: You can't spend all your time moping about, you need to get out. Do something, get a freaking life already. And stop moping after Christine. Get. Over. Her.

Eric: (whimper)

(Grimsby lifts his plate's cover to reveal Sebastian cowering in the salad.) Like I said, get your mind off - 

Eric: Easy, Grim, Easy. (Ariel lifts her own plate cover and signals for Sebastian to hide there. Sebastian rushes across while no one is looking.) 

It's not a bad idea. If she's interested. Well - whaddaya say? Would you like to join me on a tour of my kingdom tomorrow? 

(Ariel nods vigorously, leaning heavily on her plate's cover, as her hairpiece flies off and stabs a random passerby in the face.) 

Grimsby: Wonderful, now let's eat, before this crab wanders off my plate. 

(Fade to Ariel watching Eric and Max from balcony.) 

Eric: Come here boy! . . . Arrr . . . (He sees Ariel and waves. She is embarassed and goes back inside.) 

Sebastian: This has got to be, without a doubt, the single most humiliating day of my life. I hope you appreciate what I go through for you, young lady. 

Ariel: (Motions) Yeah, yeah, yeah. 

Sebastian:  Now - we got to make a plan to get that boy to kiss you. God, why am I doing this? This is sick and wrong and urgh.Tomorrow, when he takes you for that ride, you gotta look your best. You gotta bat your eyes - like this. 

Ariel: (Rolls eyes) 

Sebsatian: You gotta pucker up your lips - like this. (He sees she is asleep.) Hm. You are hopeless child. You know dat? Completely hopeless . . . Wandering child, so lost, so helpless ....   

(Fade to undersea palace. Seahorse swims up to Triton.) 

Triton: Any sign of them? 

Seahorse: No, Your Majesty. We've searched everywhere. We've found no trace of your daughter - or Sebastian. I know you'd rather have your sex slave rather than the daughter, so we have 10 times as many men looking for him. 

Triton: SHUT UP! Well, keep looking. Leave no shell unturned, no coral unexplored. Let no one in this kingdom sleep until she's safe at home. 

Kingdom: Oh, COME ON! 

Seahorse: Yes sire. (He leaves. Mumbles something about not being paid enough) 

Triton: Oh, what have I done? Sweet Jesus, what have I done? OH GOD DAMNIT! 

(Morning at castle. Ariel and Eric leave for their tour. Ariel is amazed by everything.) 

Flounder: (As they pass water.) Has he kissed her yet? 

Sebastian: DON'T JINX IT! 

Flounder: Ohh . . . (Ariel and Eric go dancing and see the town.) 

Scuttle: Yo, Flounder! Any kissing? 

Flounder: SHUT UP YOU FREAK! 

Scuttle: Hmm. Well they - they better get crackin'. (They leave town and Ariel drives, almost crashing. They end up rowing on a still lagoon in the evening.) 

Flounder: Move over - move your big feathers. I can't see a thing. Fatso. 

Scuttle: Nothing is happening. . . . Only one day left, and that boy ain't puckered up once. O.K. All right, this calls for a little vocal romantic stimulation. Stand back. 'WHEN THE MOON 'ITS YOUR EYE LIKE A BIG PIZZA PIE, THAT'S AMORE!' 

Eric: Wow. Somebody should find that poor animal and put it out of its misery. 

Ariel: (Thinking) Well, I thought I did .... 

Sebastian: Jeez, man, I'm surrounded by amateurs! You want something done, you've got to do it yourself. First, we got to create the mood. Percussion. . . . Strings. . . . Winds. . . . Words. . . . *eh em*

There you see her 

Sitting there across the way 

She don't got a lot to say 

But there's something about her 

Other than that mask that she wears…ignore that…

And you don't know why 

But you're dying to try 

You wanna kiss the girl 

Eric: Did you hear something? I think my subconcious is trying to tell me to make out with you.

Ariel: (frantically looks for a way out)

Sebastian: 

Yes, you want her 

Look at her, you know you do

(Eric and Asriel are staring at each other wide eyed, thinking "WTF") 

Possible she wants you too 

There is one way to ask her 

Or just look in her pants…there'll be a definite sign right there…

It don't take a word 

Not a single word 

Go on and kiss the girl 

Sha la la la la la 

My oh my 

Look like the boy too shy 

Ain't gonna kiss the girl 

Sha la la la la la 

Ain't that sad? 

Ain't it a shame? 

Too bad, he gonna miss the girl 

Eric: You know, I feel really bad not knowing your name. Heh - maybe I could guess. Is it, err, Mildred? 

Ariel: (thinking) 'Whoever named their child Mildred, please, put the kid out of its misery'

Eric: O.K., no. How 'bout - Diana? Rachel? Christine? CHRISTINE?! (weeps)

Sebastian: Ariel. Her name is Ariel A-R-I-E-L.

Eric: Ariel? Ariel? Well, that's kinda pretty. Kinda. Not as pretty as my name, but… O.K. - Ariel. . . 

Sebastian: 

Now's your moment 

Floating in a blue lagoon 

Boy you better do it soon 

No time will be better 

Eric: (shifts uncomfortably) Do I have to…

She don't say a word 

And she won't say a word 

Until you kiss the girl 

Sha la la la la la 

Don't be scared 

You got the mood prepared 

Go on and kiss the girl 

Sha la la la la la 

Don't stop now 

Don't try to hide it how 

You want to kiss the girl 

Eric: …So my subconcious is telling me that yes, I do indeed want to kiss the Opera Ghost.

Sha la la la la la 

Float along 

And listen to the song 

The song say kiss the girl 

Sha la la la la 

The music play 

Do what the music say 

You got to kiss the girl 

You've got to kiss the girl 

You wanna kiss the girl 

You've gotta kiss the girl 

Go on and kiss the girl 

(Ariel and Eric are leaning closer and closer to each other…giving up on all semblences of sanity and just going along with it…but, alas…just as they are about to kiss…)

(The boat tips over.) 

Eric: DAMNIT! And I was SO CLOSE! (sob) 

Ariel: 'Damnit. I'm never going to get kissed. At this rate, I wouldn't even mind if it was him…'

 (Flotsam and Jetsam congradulate each other.) 

(Cut to Ursula's cavern.) 

Ursula: Nice work, boys. That was a close one. Too close. The little tramp! Wait, like I should talk. Oh, she's better than I thought. At this rate, he'll be kissing her by sunset for sure. (Downs a bottle of Whiskey) Well, it's time Ursula took matters into her own testicles! Triton's daughter will be mine - and then I'll make him wine. I'll see him wriggle like a worm on a hook! (Laughing, she transforms into a human with Ariel's voice.) 

(Fade to castle at night. Eric is playing the flute and contemplating as Grimsby approaches.) 

Grimsby: Eric, if I may say, far better than any dream girl, is one of flesh and blood, one warm and caring, and right before your eyes. And I'm drunk right now, so don't expect this kind of sentiment ever again. 

(Eric sees Ariel, sighs, and tosses away flute. He is distracted by Ursula/Vanessa singing with Ariel's voice and is placed under her spell.) 

(Scuttle flying toward castle in morning.) 

Scuttle: Ariel! Ariel, wake up! Wake up! I just heard the news. Congratulations, kiddo, we did it! Not 'it', but, oh nevermind. 

Sebastian: What is this idiot babbling about? 

Scuttle: Right - as if you two didn't know, uh? The whole town's buzzin' about the prince gettin' himself hitched this afternoon! You know, he's getting married! 

Sebastian: No, we thought he might tie himself to a chair. 

Scuttle: You silly sidewalker! I just wanted to wish you luck. I'll catch you later, I wouldn't miss it! 

Sebastian: Oh, I hoped he would. 

(Ariel brightens and runs downstairs, only to see Eric and Vanessa together.) 

Grimsby: Well, uh - err, Eric. I-it appears that I was mistaken. This mystery maiden of yours does - in fact exist. As it seems, anyway. And - and she is lovely. Not reallt, but whatever floats your boat. Congratulations, my dear. 

Eric: We wish to be married as soon as possible. 

Grimsby: Oh, yes - of course, Eric, but, er - but these things do take time, you know. . . . 

Eric: This afternoon, Grimsby. The wedding ship departs at sunset. 

Grimsby: Oh, oh - very well, Eric - as you wish. Since I am your man slave and whatever. 

(Ariel runs off crying.) 

Ariel: 'Oh, it's happening all over again, except this time, switch Christine with Raoul…'

(Cut to late afternoon as wedding ship starts to leave. Ariel on pier crying bitterly as Sebastian and Flounder look on.) 

(Cut to Scuttle flying and humming to himself.)  

Vanessa: What a lovely little bride I'll make, my dear I'll look divine 

Things are working out according to my ultimate design 

Soon I'll have that little mermaid and the ocean will be mine! 

Ahahaha..AHAHAHAHA…AHAHAHA HA HA HA! GOOOOOOO!

Scuttle: (Seeing real Ursula in mirror.) The sea witch! Oh no . . . She's- 

I gotta. . . (Runs into side of ship. Flies off to find Ariel.) Ariel! 

Ariel! Ariel. I was flying, I wa - of course I was flying - An' - I s- I 

saw that the watch - the witch was watchin' a mirror, and she was singin' 

with a stolen set o' pipes! Do you hear what I'm tellin' you? THE PRINCE 

IS MARRYING THE SEA WITCH IN DISGUISE! 

Sebastian: Are you sure about this? 

Scuttle: Have I ever been wrong? 

Ariel: … … … (gives him a "DO I EVEN HAVE TO SAY IT" look)

Scuttle: I mean when it's important! Oh, come on, for once, trust me.

Flounder: What are we gonna do!? What are we gonna do?! WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?!?! (Ariel hears Ursula's voice in her head as the sun drops.) 

Ursula: . . . Before the sun sets on the third day. . . . (Ariel jumps in water 

but can't swim well. Sebastian sends down some barrels.) 

Ariel: (thinking bitterly) 'Have any barrels to sell?'

Sebastian: Ariel, grab on to that. Flounder, get her to that boat as fast as 

your fins can carry you! 

Flounder: I'll try. …Damnit, you're heavy.

Ariel: (GLARE)

Sebastian: I've gotta get to the sea king. He must know about this. 

Scuttle: What - What about me? What about ME? WHAT. ABOUT. ME.

Sebastian: You - find a way to STALL THAT WEDDING! NO MATTER WHAT IT TAKES! SINK THE BOAT IF YOU HAVE TO!

Scuttle: Stall the wedding. Wh- what am I - what - that's it! (He flies off to 

rally the animals and fish.) Move it, let's go, we got an emergency here! 

(Cut to wedding in progress. Max growls at Vanessa but she kicks him. PETA members are restrained on the sidelines) 

Priest: Dearly beloved . . . (Flounder is pulling Ariel toward ship.) 

Flounder: Don't worry Ariel. ugh - we - we're gonna make it. We're almost 

there. Damnit, you'd think that if you lived underground for half your life, you'd weigh less than this…

Priest: Yes, um, do you Eric, take Vanessa, to be your lawfully wedded wife, 

for as long as you both shall live? 

Eric: (Under spell.) I do. 

Priest: Eh, and do you . . . (Birds and animals swoop in for attack, causing 

great chaos.) . . . then by the power inves- MY HAT! NOOOOO!

Vanessa: Get away from me you slimy little- Oh, why you little- (In the 

struggle, the shell holding Ariel's voice it broken and it goes back to her. 

Eric comes out of the spell as she sings.) 

Eric: Ariel? 

Ariel: Eric. Yes. YES! MY VOICE! It's back! Oh yeah! (does a little dance)

Eric: You - you can talk. You're the one. 

Ariel: No shit, Sherlock.

Vanessa: Eric, get away from her! AWAY! MINE, DAMNIT! …I don't know which one of you…but…MINE!

Eric: It - it was you all the time. SO IT IS YOU!

Ariel: Oh, Eric, I - I wanted to tell you. But I was afraid you'd reject me. You know. Me being your longtime rival who tried to kill you. But let's put all that behind us now. Sanity is gone. LOVE ME, THAT'S ALL I ASK OF YOU!

Vanessa: ERIC NO! (The sun sets and Ariel becomes a mermaid.) 

Ariel: GOD. DAMNIT. LIFE HATES ME.

Ursula: You're too late! You're too late! So long, loverboy. 

Eric: Ariel! (Ursula and Ariel go overboard.) 

Ursula: Poor little princess - it's not you I'm after. I've a much bigger fish to - Yum, fish. I'm craving for samon, I don't know about you.... 

Triton: Ursula, stop! 

Ursula: Why, King Triton! Ha ha ha - How ARE you? Missed you! (Wink) 

Triton: Let her go. PLEASE! MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE!

Ursula: Not a chance, Triton! She's mine now. We made a deal. 

Ariel: Daddy, I'm sorry! I - I - I didn't mean to. I didn't know - What a fool I was, what a dominated fool ....NO NOT MY FAIR LADY! 

(Triton attacks the contract with a fierce blast from his trident, to no avail.) 

Ursula: You see? The contract's legal, binding and completely unbreakable - even for YOU. Of course, I always was a girl with an eye for a bargain. The daughter of the great sea king is a very precious commodity. But - I might be willing to make an exchange for someone even better. . . . I'll meet you at my place in 10 minutes ..... 

(Cut to Eric rowing away from ship.) 

Grimsby: Eric! What are you doing? Take me with you!!!!!!! 

Eric: Grim, I lost her once. I'm not going to lose her again. 

Grimsby: BUT I LOOOOOOOOOOVE YOU! 

(Back to Ursula and Triton.)  

Ursula: Now! Do we have a deal? (Triton signs contract.) Ha! It's done then. HUZZAH! 

(Ariel is released and Triton is withered as Ursula laughs.) 

Ariel: No . . . Oh, No! 

Sebastian: Oh, your majesty . . . Yes! I'm not a slave anymore! 

Ariel: Daddy? . . . Oh God. Why do I care? 

Ursula: (Picks up crown.) At last, it's mine. Ho, Ho . . . 

Ariel: You - You monster! YOU POSER SANTA! 

Ursula: Don't fool with me you little brat! Contract or no- AAAAHH!! 

Ariel: Noah? Didn't he have an ark? 

Ursula: (She is hit with a harpoon thrown by Eric.) Why you little troll! 

Ariel: Eric! Eric look out! No, my loverboy!!!!  

Ursula: After him! (Flotsam and Jetsam attack.) 

Sebastian: Come on! . . . God, gotta start working out again. 

Ursula: Say goodbye to your sweetheart. (Ariel makes her miss Eric and blast Flotsam and Jetsam.) Babies! My poor, little poopsies! 

Ariel: Yeah, tell me about it.  

(On surface as Ursula grows beneath.) 

Ariel: Eric, you've got to get away from here. 

Eric: No, I won't leave you. NEVER! 

Ariel: Oh, .... great .... 

Ursula: (Now very large.) You pitiful, insignificant, fool! 

Eric: Look out! 

Ariel: Yeah, like I wasn't planning on it. 

Ursula: Now I am the ruler of all the ocean! The waves obey my every whim! The sea and all its spoils bow to my power! (She wrecks havoc, creates a whirlpool and raises some shipwrecks.) 

Ariel: ERIC! (He gets on board one of the ships as Ariel falls to the bottom of the whirlpool. Ursula attempts to blast her.) 

Ursula: (Laughing wickedly.) So much for true love! (As Ursula is about to finish Ariel, Eric steers the ship into her. She is impaled and dies most horribly. Eric collapses on the shore. The trident falls back to Triton and everything reverts to normal.) 

Ariel: CHRISTINE .... CHRISTINE .... WHY? WHY? 

(Fade to morning with Eric on beach and Ariel watching from a distance. Triton and Sebastian look on.)  

Triton: She really does love him, doesn't she, Sebastian? 

Sebastian: Well, it's like I always say, Your Majesty. Children got to be free to lead their own lives. 

Triton: You never say that, you liar! Anyway, gots to do this .... 

Sebastian: And what's that, Your Majesty? 

Triton: Turn her into a human so she can go live her homoerotic fantasy and be the hell away from me. (He turns her into a human and she goes to meet Eric. They stare at each other for several moments before realizing what they have to do and kiss, rather awkwardly, which fades into kiss on wedding day. Everyone is happy. Sebastian is attacked by Louis. He beats Louis up and returns to the sea.) 

Sebastian: Yes, Thank you, thank you. I'm here until Thursday! Try the veal!  

(Ariel and Triton hug.) 

Ariel: I love you Daddy. GROUP HUG! 

(Big finale while "Part of Your World" music plays. Ship sails off as Ariel and Eric kiss.) 

All: Now we can walk, 

Now we can run, 

Now we can stay all day in the sun. 

Just you and me, 

And I can be, 

Part of your world. 

THE END

The invisible audience applauds. Dana runs onto the stage, sobbing tears of happiness.

Dana: Beautiful! It was BEAUTIFUL! You were all so wonderful!

Christine: …I don't like dying…

Erik and Raoul: ::still kissing each other::

Dana: ::looks at the two:: Um…guys…show's over…

Erik and Raoul: ::break apart, blink for several moments::

Christine: …I can't believe what I'm seeing. ::sobs::

Erik: *pause* …You know. Perhaps we should stop fighting over Christine.

Raoul: …Indeed. Why don't we call a truce, sign a treaty or something.

Erik: ::looks around shifty eyed:: I think that closet over there will be a fine place to sign a treaty…ahem, now, if you would all excuse us… ::drags Raoul into the closet, slams door shut::

Dana: …Ah, true love… *sweatdrop*

~fin~


End file.
